It’s an inevitable part of life. You expect it. It’s bound to happen one day.
Yet, no matter how young or old you are, the death of a parent is a difficult, heartbreaking, and tragic ordeal.
My father passed away a few days before Halloween. It feels weird writing it down, feels terrible saying it out loud. It feels like a stranger punched you so hard in the stomach that you fall to the ground. And there are no witnesses or anyone around to help you get back up.
That’s what losing my papa felt like.
No matter how much family or friends try to help and support, it just feels like hurt all over. No words, no food, not even all the tail wagging and cuteness of my two dogs could fill that missing void. At first I felt so hopeless. It felt like I dropped a grain of sand at the beach and I was desperately trying to retrieve it again.
However, during this time of grief and sadness, I’ve also experienced the most goodness, gentleness, and generosity ever. From friends sending heartfelt cards to beautiful flower arrangements, or simply giving me a giant hug, it makes the situation tolerable.
My father was a healthy and active 71 year old. His death was extremely unexpected.
When I received the phone call from my brother at 3am it felt like all the oxygen was drained from my world. I couldn’t do something as simple as changing out of my pajamas.
I couldn’t even cry. My brain was desperately trying to comprehend the news. I arrived at the hospital to my worse fear.
I loved my father with every molecule in my body. To me, he will always be the best man I’ve ever known. He has such a kind heart, a joyful spirit, and a generous loving nature. He has an infectious laugh that made me smile. An insatiable appetite that made him the perfect mealtime companion. And his love for animals is the reason I grew to love dogs, cats, birds, fish, and all living things so much.
He was extremely bright and intelligent. Before retiring, he worked as a chemical engineer for over 40 years. He instilled my great love and fascination for math, especially calculus and trigonometry. He taught me how to play chess, how to check my tire pressure, how to repot plants.
He gave me confidence, he taught me to believe in myself, and he always made me feel like I was worth more than the moon, the stars, and all the planets in the galaxy combined. But most important, he loved my mother more than anything in the world.
My entire life, he never said a mean word or negative comment against my mom. Whenever he spoke of her, it seemed like she could never do anything wrong in his eyes. He set the bar high for the kind of love I expected to find in a husband.
During his lifetime, my dad did everything in his power to always protect my mom, me, and my brother. He provided us with more than we could have ever asked for. He never criticized his children. Instead, he always believed in us, no matter what the circumstance.
My dad was the kind of man that believed girls could do anything boys could do (most of the time, even better). He never discouraged me from following my dreams or heart, even if at times I knew he didn’t approve.
These cinnamon rolls are for my papa. Pretty much every cinnamon roll variation I’ve shared on the blog mentions him in some capacity. (coconut jam cinnamon rolls, chocolate walnut cinnamon rolls, caramel walnut sticky buns) Cinnamon rolls were his favorite.
Every birthday, Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I made him cinnamon rolls.
Cinnamon Rolls
Ingredients
Dough:
- ½ cup warm water,, 110℉
- 2 ¼ teaspoon active dry yeast, (7 g)
- ¼ cup granulated sugar, (50 g)
- ½ cup whole milk, , room temp
- 1 large egg
- 1 large yolk
- 1 teaspoon fine sea salt
- 4 cups all-purpose flour, (520 g)
- 5 Tablespoon unsalted butter, softened, (70 g)
Cinnamon Sugar Filling:
- ⅓ cup unsalted butter, (75 g)
- ⅓ cup granulated sugar, (70 g)
- ⅓ cup dark brown sugar, packed, (70 g)
- 1 Tablespoon ground cinnamon
- ¼ teaspoon fine sea salt
Simple Glaze:
- 1 ½ cup confectioners' sugar, (170 g)
- 4 Tablespoon milk
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon finely grated orange zest
- pinch fine sea salt
Instructions
- Dough: Sprinkle yeast over warm water. Add 1 tsp sugar and stir to combine. Let sit for 5-7 minutes to allow mixture to bubble and activate.
- In the bowl of a stand mixer, whisk together yeast mixture, remaining 1/4 cup sugar, milk, egg and yolk. Whisk salt into flour. Add 2 cups of flour to mixing bowl. Use the hook attachment to mix dough together. Mix on low speed until flour is incorporated. Add another 1 cup of flour. Continue to knead on low speed, adding softened butter 1 Tbsp at a time. Add remaining cup of flour and knead until the dough is smooth and cleans the sides of the bowl. If dough is too sticky, add additional flour 1 Tbsp at a time until desired consistency is achieved.
- Transfer dough to a lightly greased bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and let dough rest at room temperature for about an hour until dough has doubled in volume.
- Punch down risen dough. Transfer to a lightly floured working surface. Roll dough into a 20 x 14 inch rectangle. Spread softened butter over dough.
- Cinnamon Sugar Filling: In a bowl, mix together sugar, brown sugar and cinnamon. Distribute cinnamon sugar filling and gently press into dough. Sprinkle sea salt.
- Roll dough into a tight log, starting at the longest side. Slice the log into 12 equal parts. Lightly grease 9 x 12-inch baking pan. Cover pan with plastic wrap and let rolls rest for 30-45 minutes at room temperature to allow rolls to rise.
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Remove plastic wrap and bake rolls for 30-35 minutes until golden brown on top and the internal temperature of the rolls hit 185 degrees F. Allow rolls to rest for 5 minutes to slightly cool.
- Simple Glaze: In bowl, combine powdered sugar, milk, vanilla, orange zest and sea salt. Mix until smooth. If glaze is too thick, add additional milk 1/2 tablespoon at a time. Spread over warm rolls and serve immediately.
Notes
Nutrition
Nutrition information is automatically calculated, so should only be used as an approximation.
Like this recipe? Rate & comment below!
My papa and I shared a very comic relationship. We laughed about everything. Most of our photos together involve funny faces. I could talk to him about anything. He never judged nor discouraged me. He was a great listener (even though at times, he couldn’t understand me because I talk rather fast).
He was very involved in planning my wedding for next year. The last conversation I had with him was about my wedding gown. He wanted to be surprised the day he would walk me down the aisle, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to show him the photo of me in the gown my mom and I picked out. He loved it and said it was exactly the kind of dress he would have chosen for me.
May your soul rest in peace, Papa. I miss you beyond comprehension.
I am so very sorry to hear of your father’s passing. My father passed away a couple of years ago at the same age as your dad, and reading your post made me experience all those emotions all over again. I even posted rolls when I was remembering him on my blog. Your father looks absolutely adorable and I send you hugs and may he rest in peace.
Teary eyed as I read this beautiful tribute to your Dad. No wonder he was so proud of you…one has only to read this account of your relationship to peek inside the special world you shared. You are a blessed young lady, and your Mom loved and was loved beyond measure. I just discovered your blog this morning, and will continue to follow you. Through your heartache and tears, I hope that a tincture of time, and the support and prayers of many will bring you comfort. So sorry for this profound loss.
Thank you Deb. I really appreciate you leaving a comment. Some days are better than others. I know in time, it’ll get better. Once again, thank you. I wish you and your family a very happy Thanksgiving! :)
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your words described my memory of losing my father exact. The pain really never goes away. It’s been eight years for me. We have to cherish the amazing memories and be thankful that we were blessed with incredible men as fathers.
Thank you so much for sharing Jannde. I will treasure my memories of my father forever. I wish you a happy Thanksgiving!
My thoughts are with you – losing a parent is the worst. There’s nothing that will make it better, time just makes the pain further away. Take solace and comfort in your family, and let your friends do whatever they want for you, even if it’s flying in for 10 hours to be with you. It doesn’t really get better, you just learn how to manage. I send you internet hugs.
Thank you Jenn. I really appreciate it. Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving! xoxo
I woke up this morning and felt lightness in my heart. The loving tribute your wrote about Papa was uplifting and true. I have never seen a man who showed so much love for his family in his lifetime. The happy memories he left behind will be our strength to move on. His wish is for us is to be happy when he is gone.
He will be forever in our hearts. Although the love your Papa has given me can not be replaced, your love and EJ’s is enough to fill that void. Thank you Meyan and EJ.
I’m so sorry about your father, Maryanne. He sounds like he was a wonderful man. We lost my father in law two summers ago and I still think about him almost every day. He lived next door to us and was very much a part of our every day lives. My heart goes out to you. Your delicious cinnamon rolls are a lovely tribute.
Thank you, Michelle. And thank you for sharing about your father-in-law. Some days are better than others, but in time, I know it’ll get better. I wish you a happy Thanksgiving! xoxo
A Beautiful and touching tribute. I lost my father when I was much older than you; You are never old enough to lose a parent. I marvel at the strength and maturity with which you are coping. Prayers.
Thank you, Susan. It feels like no amount of time is ever enough to spend with a loved one.
I can tell your father was a beautiful person and you were very fortunate daughter. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you so much, Karen. xoxo
You write with such courage after facing something I can only imagine to be the most difficult thing to happen. Keep your head high.
Thank you, Marisa
Though I am a stranger to you, my heart goes out to you. I have known this pain, this loss, this helplessness. There are no words that take the edge off, only time blunts the edge, though the hole is always there. Many people offered me kind words after the death of my father. The one sentiment that I will always remember was from a friend who had recently lost her mother. She just looked me in the eye and said, “It sucks.” Accurate and painfully true. I wish you strength as your heart searches for peace.
Thank you, Wendy. I really appreciate it. Your words are like a big hug and I find them very comforting. Thank you xoxo