It’s an inevitable part of life. You expect it. It’s bound to happen one day.
Yet, no matter how young or old you are, the death of a parent is a difficult, heartbreaking, and tragic ordeal.
My father passed away a few days before Halloween. It feels weird writing it down, feels terrible saying it out loud. It feels like a stranger punched you so hard in the stomach that you fall to the ground. And there are no witnesses or anyone around to help you get back up.
That’s what losing my papa felt like.
No matter how much family or friends try to help and support, it just feels like hurt all over. No words, no food, not even all the tail wagging and cuteness of my two dogs could fill that missing void. At first I felt so hopeless. It felt like I dropped a grain of sand at the beach and I was desperately trying to retrieve it again.
However, during this time of grief and sadness, I’ve also experienced the most goodness, gentleness, and generosity ever. From friends sending heartfelt cards to beautiful flower arrangements, or simply giving me a giant hug, it makes the situation tolerable.
My father was a healthy and active 71 year old. His death was extremely unexpected.
When I received the phone call from my brother at 3am it felt like all the oxygen was drained from my world. I couldn’t do something as simple as changing out of my pajamas.
I couldn’t even cry. My brain was desperately trying to comprehend the news. I arrived at the hospital to my worse fear.
I loved my father with every molecule in my body. To me, he will always be the best man I’ve ever known. He has such a kind heart, a joyful spirit, and a generous loving nature. He has an infectious laugh that made me smile. An insatiable appetite that made him the perfect mealtime companion. And his love for animals is the reason I grew to love dogs, cats, birds, fish, and all living things so much.
He was extremely bright and intelligent. Before retiring, he worked as a chemical engineer for over 40 years. He instilled my great love and fascination for math, especially calculus and trigonometry. He taught me how to play chess, how to check my tire pressure, how to repot plants.
He gave me confidence, he taught me to believe in myself, and he always made me feel like I was worth more than the moon, the stars, and all the planets in the galaxy combined. But most important, he loved my mother more than anything in the world.
My entire life, he never said a mean word or negative comment against my mom. Whenever he spoke of her, it seemed like she could never do anything wrong in his eyes. He set the bar high for the kind of love I expected to find in a husband.
During his lifetime, my dad did everything in his power to always protect my mom, me, and my brother. He provided us with more than we could have ever asked for. He never criticized his children. Instead, he always believed in us, no matter what the circumstance.
My dad was the kind of man that believed girls could do anything boys could do (most of the time, even better). He never discouraged me from following my dreams or heart, even if at times I knew he didn’t approve.
These cinnamon rolls are for my papa. Pretty much every cinnamon roll variation I’ve shared on the blog mentions him in some capacity. (coconut jam cinnamon rolls, chocolate walnut cinnamon rolls, caramel walnut sticky buns) Cinnamon rolls were his favorite.
Every birthday, Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I made him cinnamon rolls.
Cinnamon Rolls
Ingredients
Dough:
- ½ cup warm water,, 110℉
- 2 ¼ teaspoon active dry yeast, (7 g)
- ¼ cup granulated sugar, (50 g)
- ½ cup whole milk, , room temp
- 1 large egg
- 1 large yolk
- 1 teaspoon fine sea salt
- 4 cups all-purpose flour, (520 g)
- 5 Tablespoon unsalted butter, softened, (70 g)
Cinnamon Sugar Filling:
- ⅓ cup unsalted butter, (75 g)
- ⅓ cup granulated sugar, (70 g)
- ⅓ cup dark brown sugar, packed, (70 g)
- 1 Tablespoon ground cinnamon
- ¼ teaspoon fine sea salt
Simple Glaze:
- 1 ½ cup confectioners' sugar, (170 g)
- 4 Tablespoon milk
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon finely grated orange zest
- pinch fine sea salt
Instructions
- Dough: Sprinkle yeast over warm water. Add 1 tsp sugar and stir to combine. Let sit for 5-7 minutes to allow mixture to bubble and activate.
- In the bowl of a stand mixer, whisk together yeast mixture, remaining 1/4 cup sugar, milk, egg and yolk. Whisk salt into flour. Add 2 cups of flour to mixing bowl. Use the hook attachment to mix dough together. Mix on low speed until flour is incorporated. Add another 1 cup of flour. Continue to knead on low speed, adding softened butter 1 Tbsp at a time. Add remaining cup of flour and knead until the dough is smooth and cleans the sides of the bowl. If dough is too sticky, add additional flour 1 Tbsp at a time until desired consistency is achieved.
- Transfer dough to a lightly greased bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and let dough rest at room temperature for about an hour until dough has doubled in volume.
- Punch down risen dough. Transfer to a lightly floured working surface. Roll dough into a 20 x 14 inch rectangle. Spread softened butter over dough.
- Cinnamon Sugar Filling: In a bowl, mix together sugar, brown sugar and cinnamon. Distribute cinnamon sugar filling and gently press into dough. Sprinkle sea salt.
- Roll dough into a tight log, starting at the longest side. Slice the log into 12 equal parts. Lightly grease 9 x 12-inch baking pan. Cover pan with plastic wrap and let rolls rest for 30-45 minutes at room temperature to allow rolls to rise.
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Remove plastic wrap and bake rolls for 30-35 minutes until golden brown on top and the internal temperature of the rolls hit 185 degrees F. Allow rolls to rest for 5 minutes to slightly cool.
- Simple Glaze: In bowl, combine powdered sugar, milk, vanilla, orange zest and sea salt. Mix until smooth. If glaze is too thick, add additional milk 1/2 tablespoon at a time. Spread over warm rolls and serve immediately.
Notes
Nutrition
Nutrition information is automatically calculated, so should only be used as an approximation.
Like this recipe? Rate & comment below!
My papa and I shared a very comic relationship. We laughed about everything. Most of our photos together involve funny faces. I could talk to him about anything. He never judged nor discouraged me. He was a great listener (even though at times, he couldn’t understand me because I talk rather fast).
He was very involved in planning my wedding for next year. The last conversation I had with him was about my wedding gown. He wanted to be surprised the day he would walk me down the aisle, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to show him the photo of me in the gown my mom and I picked out. He loved it and said it was exactly the kind of dress he would have chosen for me.
May your soul rest in peace, Papa. I miss you beyond comprehension.
I remember so clearly you talking about your wonderful dad and how excited you were to show him your dress. This is such a profoundly beautiful post. You’ve been in my thoughts so much this week. Thank you for sharing your heart and I know this made your father incredibly proud. I’m so glad you showed him the dress picture. It must have made him so very happy. thinking of you friend.
Oh Maryanne, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your Papa sounds like he was an amazing man and I have tears in my eyes as I’m reading this post.
I just emailed my Dad to let him know how much I love him.
Sending you and your family lots of love. I’ll be making these rolls for my Dada in honour of your Papa this coming weekend x
Thank you, Amy. I appreciate it very much! xoxo
Oh, Maryanne! I am so very, very sorry about your sweet papa. I’m sending a lot of love to you during this difficult time. This was such a sweet tribute to him. xoxo
I am so sorry for your loss.
My heart breaks for you and your family. I cannot imagine the loss you must be going through. It’s funny, the first thing I thought was “but I just saw you guys eating ramen on snapchat not too long ago.” Even though I didn’t know your father (you and I haven’t even met!), the suddenness of someone passing on is still so full. I am glad you did have a great relationship together and he left you with so many wonderful memories and shaped who you are today. That is something that will always be with you. You and your family are in my thoughts! X
Thank you, Amanda. I appreciate your kind words. hehe, I still remember trying to explain Snapchat to my dad that day I snapped him eating ramen. I wish you and your family a very happy Thanksgiving! xoxo
I am so very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful post, he sounds like an incredible dad.
These cinnamon rolls look perfect, I can see why they were his favorite.
Oh my goodness! I’m so very, very sorry. My heart is aching for you right now. These cinnamon rolls look amazing. Thank you for sharing one of his favorite recipes with us.
My heart aches for you and your family. Your father sounds like a wonderful man and this is such a beautiful tribute to him. Sending you a giant virtual hug!
Mary Anne, so sorry for your loss. I too know the pain of losing a father. I’m so glad you had such amazing experiences with him and I could tell that he loved you and your family so very much. Never forget that! Take care and remember I’m here if you ever want to talk!
Thank you so much, Stacey. I really appreciate it. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving! xoxo
I’m so choked up as I read your tribute to your Dad. My Dad is not like yours – he is not a bad man, by any means, but he lacked the ability to accept me as I am, all through my formative years, and even now, and he isn’t comfortable with his emotions, nor the emotions of others. All that to say, he is my Dad, and I love him.
I am so sorry for your loss – and hope these beautiful thoughts (and your memories) of such a wonderful man, will comfort you in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. You have an amazing gift, having had such an incredible father…. You will always be able to cherish that knowledge – in your mind, your heart, and your soul….