It’s an inevitable part of life. You expect it. It’s bound to happen one day.
Yet, no matter how young or old you are, the death of a parent is a difficult, heartbreaking, and tragic ordeal.
My father passed away a few days before Halloween. It feels weird writing it down, feels terrible saying it out loud. It feels like a stranger punched you so hard in the stomach that you fall to the ground. And there are no witnesses or anyone around to help you get back up.
That’s what losing my papa felt like.
No matter how much family or friends try to help and support, it just feels like hurt all over. No words, no food, not even all the tail wagging and cuteness of my two dogs could fill that missing void. At first I felt so hopeless. It felt like I dropped a grain of sand at the beach and I was desperately trying to retrieve it again.
However, during this time of grief and sadness, I’ve also experienced the most goodness, gentleness, and generosity ever. From friends sending heartfelt cards to beautiful flower arrangements, or simply giving me a giant hug, it makes the situation tolerable.
My father was a healthy and active 71 year old. His death was extremely unexpected.
When I received the phone call from my brother at 3am it felt like all the oxygen was drained from my world. I couldn’t do something as simple as changing out of my pajamas.
I couldn’t even cry. My brain was desperately trying to comprehend the news. I arrived at the hospital to my worse fear.
I loved my father with every molecule in my body. To me, he will always be the best man I’ve ever known. He has such a kind heart, a joyful spirit, and a generous loving nature. He has an infectious laugh that made me smile. An insatiable appetite that made him the perfect mealtime companion. And his love for animals is the reason I grew to love dogs, cats, birds, fish, and all living things so much.
He was extremely bright and intelligent. Before retiring, he worked as a chemical engineer for over 40 years. He instilled my great love and fascination for math, especially calculus and trigonometry. He taught me how to play chess, how to check my tire pressure, how to repot plants.
He gave me confidence, he taught me to believe in myself, and he always made me feel like I was worth more than the moon, the stars, and all the planets in the galaxy combined. But most important, he loved my mother more than anything in the world.
My entire life, he never said a mean word or negative comment against my mom. Whenever he spoke of her, it seemed like she could never do anything wrong in his eyes. He set the bar high for the kind of love I expected to find in a husband.
During his lifetime, my dad did everything in his power to always protect my mom, me, and my brother. He provided us with more than we could have ever asked for. He never criticized his children. Instead, he always believed in us, no matter what the circumstance.
My dad was the kind of man that believed girls could do anything boys could do (most of the time, even better). He never discouraged me from following my dreams or heart, even if at times I knew he didn’t approve.
These cinnamon rolls are for my papa. Pretty much every cinnamon roll variation I’ve shared on the blog mentions him in some capacity. (coconut jam cinnamon rolls, chocolate walnut cinnamon rolls, caramel walnut sticky buns) Cinnamon rolls were his favorite.
Every birthday, Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, I made him cinnamon rolls.
Cinnamon Rolls
Ingredients
Dough:
- ½ cup warm water,, 110℉
- 2 ¼ teaspoon active dry yeast, (7 g)
- ¼ cup granulated sugar, (50 g)
- ½ cup whole milk, , room temp
- 1 large egg
- 1 large yolk
- 1 teaspoon fine sea salt
- 4 cups all-purpose flour, (520 g)
- 5 Tablespoon unsalted butter, softened, (70 g)
Cinnamon Sugar Filling:
- ⅓ cup unsalted butter, (75 g)
- ⅓ cup granulated sugar, (70 g)
- ⅓ cup dark brown sugar, packed, (70 g)
- 1 Tablespoon ground cinnamon
- ¼ teaspoon fine sea salt
Simple Glaze:
- 1 ½ cup confectioners' sugar, (170 g)
- 4 Tablespoon milk
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon finely grated orange zest
- pinch fine sea salt
Instructions
- Dough: Sprinkle yeast over warm water. Add 1 tsp sugar and stir to combine. Let sit for 5-7 minutes to allow mixture to bubble and activate.
- In the bowl of a stand mixer, whisk together yeast mixture, remaining 1/4 cup sugar, milk, egg and yolk. Whisk salt into flour. Add 2 cups of flour to mixing bowl. Use the hook attachment to mix dough together. Mix on low speed until flour is incorporated. Add another 1 cup of flour. Continue to knead on low speed, adding softened butter 1 Tbsp at a time. Add remaining cup of flour and knead until the dough is smooth and cleans the sides of the bowl. If dough is too sticky, add additional flour 1 Tbsp at a time until desired consistency is achieved.
- Transfer dough to a lightly greased bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and let dough rest at room temperature for about an hour until dough has doubled in volume.
- Punch down risen dough. Transfer to a lightly floured working surface. Roll dough into a 20 x 14 inch rectangle. Spread softened butter over dough.
- Cinnamon Sugar Filling: In a bowl, mix together sugar, brown sugar and cinnamon. Distribute cinnamon sugar filling and gently press into dough. Sprinkle sea salt.
- Roll dough into a tight log, starting at the longest side. Slice the log into 12 equal parts. Lightly grease 9 x 12-inch baking pan. Cover pan with plastic wrap and let rolls rest for 30-45 minutes at room temperature to allow rolls to rise.
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Remove plastic wrap and bake rolls for 30-35 minutes until golden brown on top and the internal temperature of the rolls hit 185 degrees F. Allow rolls to rest for 5 minutes to slightly cool.
- Simple Glaze: In bowl, combine powdered sugar, milk, vanilla, orange zest and sea salt. Mix until smooth. If glaze is too thick, add additional milk 1/2 tablespoon at a time. Spread over warm rolls and serve immediately.
Notes
Nutrition
Nutrition information is automatically calculated, so should only be used as an approximation.
Like this recipe? Rate & comment below!
My papa and I shared a very comic relationship. We laughed about everything. Most of our photos together involve funny faces. I could talk to him about anything. He never judged nor discouraged me. He was a great listener (even though at times, he couldn’t understand me because I talk rather fast).
He was very involved in planning my wedding for next year. The last conversation I had with him was about my wedding gown. He wanted to be surprised the day he would walk me down the aisle, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to show him the photo of me in the gown my mom and I picked out. He loved it and said it was exactly the kind of dress he would have chosen for me.
May your soul rest in peace, Papa. I miss you beyond comprehension.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Stay strong!
Love cinnamon rolls so much!!!
So incredibly sorry for your loss. Nothing can ever prepare you for the loss of a loved one but you can hope and know that with time grief fades and only the good memories remain. May he be at peace and may you find peace soon.
Thank you, Ace. I’m taking it day by day. I agree, time will eventually heal the heart. I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving, friend! xoxo
Your love for your father shines so brightly. Sounds like he was such a thoughtful, caring man. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am very sorry for your loss, Maryanne. I can’t imagine how tough it could be for you. It sounds like your dad was a really sweet man and a wonderful dad. Sending lots of love your way. Take care.
Thank you so much. xoxo I wish you a very happy Thanksgiving :)
I’m so sorry for your loss. *big hug* I remember you posting a snapchat video with your father not too long ago, so I was so shocked to read this. It is a beautiful post though.
It must have taken you a lot of courage to write this post. I can feel the love and joy between you and your dad.
May the peace of God be with you and your family as you heal from the lost.
Thank you Jen. I appreciate your kind words.
Oh dear, my heart breaks for you. I am so so sorry to hear tia sad news. I hope remembering him and all the good times make you feel better losing a parent is one of life’s meanest tricks. I just had a chill reading how you found out because that’s exactly how I did too about my dad- a phone call from my sister in the middle of the night. That was the longest night. Do take solace in the fact that he loved you and your family so much!! And hang in there as you plan your wedding…it was one of the hardest things I ever did. Just remember that he wanted you to be happy. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. xo
Thank you for sharing your story, Zainab. I really appreciate it. Some days are harder than others, but we’re pushing through :) Thanks, again! Wishing you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving! xoxo
One of my favorite quotes is by John Wooden, “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” It sounds like your dad was really good at that. He sounds like an amazing man Maryanne, I’m so sorry he is gone for now.
Thank you, Karen! I love that quote. It’s perfect. I wish you and your family a very happy Thanksgiving! xoxo
Reading this made me cry so much, especially when you talked about your wedding. I lost both my last set of grandparents months before my wedding and my mama helped me a lot with it. But then she passed away 4 months after my grandpa. It was a very rough year and made me sad planning or thinking about our wedding. But then something happened on our wedding day that only makes me believe more than ever our grandparents were there in spirit that day. As the priest talked about our grandparents, the sun suddenly came out through the gloomy skies and lit up the entire church. It was like a sign they were watching us. Life happens and it doesn’t always make sense but just know your father will always be with you and will still be with you on your wedding day. ❤ Prayers to you and your family. He looked like an amazing man and cinnamon rolls are my favorite too. Thank you for sharing your love and memorial to him.
Thank you, Cheryl. I’m sorry to hear about your grandparents. It’s really tough. That’s such a wonderful experience. I believe your grandparents were there watching over you. Of course they wouldn’t want to miss such a special day. :)
I really appreciate your comment. I wish you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving! xoxo